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I love Jesus Christ and devote my life to following Him. I'm madly in love with my husband jon. I'm the mother of the most perfect babies in the world. I'm a Senior Sales Associate at my beloved Anthropologie. I'm a reader, thinker, lover, believer and traveler. I'd trade in the chicago skyline for the pacific coast any day. i love a good vino. i love my books. i'm creative as creativity goes but always wanted to be a painter. i prefer letter writing over emailing. And I always try to be a kinder person.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Its always brighter on the other side...

Its been almost a month since I miscarried.

Have you ever been in a situation where you look in the mirror at yourself, and don't even recognize the overwhelming grief you feel? The morning of, I got panicked. I looked in the mirror, sobbing, and didn't recognize myself. I had that sick to my stomach feeling...the kind that makes you want to lay in bed under the covers where no one can see you. It was a little shameful. It was a little embarassing. I even asked God out loud, "why is this happening to me?"

This lasted for two days. Two sorrowful, unfamiliar days. 

Life often happens faster then we can keep up with it. Its so easy to fall in love with the things of the world. Its so easy to find everything else more appealing than truth. Its so easy to be decieved. Before I miscarried, this was me. I was overwhelmed with the wrong kind of happiness. The Holy Spirit would tap me on the shoulder and I wouldn't turn around. 

I believe God allowed this miscarriage to occur, merely to remind me how desperately I need him in my life. Those two sorrowful days were unescapable. The only time I could feel was when I cried out to the Lord. The only time I felt comfort was in the arms of my Savior. Do you ever have those moments in life when you are so broken, that thinking about our sweet Jesus and his PERFECT love just breaks you down and brings you to tears? It was as if I couldn't define what I felt enough to explain it to any human...and with Him, I didn't need to. 

I believe God allowed this miscarriage, to teach me all about his grace...his sufficiency...his compassion. A wakeup call, if you will. A reset button. A reminder. A memo. Although it was a painful one...somehow when I woke up the day after I had miscarried, my heart was full. Overflowing with the PRESENCE of the Lord. Have you ever felt that? 

I look back...almost a month later...and I feel blessed to have experienced what I did. It was a necessity. Absolute necessity. 

Please don't read this as though I have no compassion for those who have once experienced what I have. Don't read this as though I believe every woman should view a miscarriage as a blessing. There is no doubt that a miscarriage is a horrible, painful, sorrowful experience...but this time...for my life...God took the dark and made it light.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Life as small as a poppyseed

Last Thursday I discovered I was pregnant with our second baby. 

This morning I discovered I am not anymore.

Why, how...who knows really. To be frank, I don't think the science behind it all is important. My doctor has ensured me that my body is completely healthy and this will in no way prohibit me from going on to have healthy beautiful babies in the future. 

But my heart hurts. As anyone's does when a loss occurs. Though I only knew this little one for a few days, I fell in love the way a mother does. I felt the excitement of a new life, a new human being entering the world, entering our family. I felt nervous, but in the best possible way. All of that elation, all of that anticipation...gone in what seemed like a heartbeat.

My heart hurts for our lost littlest one. And all the love I felt for my little stranger went with it. I take great comfort in knowing God's will for me is great. I pray that his will be done and that he prepare my heart for whatever that may be.

I can't help but share this news with great disappointment. While many mother's choose to wait to tell their loved ones news of a pregnancy for this very reason, those who know me know I am an open book. To me, a life...even as small as a poppyseed, is to be celebrated. Thank you to those who celebrated with us, and those who are sad with us too. 

We know God is good...and because of that, rejoice in the life created and lost.