In less than a month, I will be turning 27 years old. I know this doesn't seem like a great feat for anyone older then me. I know I have little to complain about, I'm still in my twenties, some would say I have it made.
But I'm having a bit of crisis. I feel like 27 is purgatory. 27 is totally foreign ground. I feel a little lost...to be perfectly honest. Am I still young? Am I an adult? What am I anyway? Maybe my quarter life crisis came 2 years late. Something in me feels out of control. Lost identity maybe, trying desperately to be an adult and gain control. Life for me began early. I was married at 22 and had my first beautiful baby at 24. I wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes I wonder if the last 6 years of my life have been so full...that I've lost track of time. Suddenly I'm 27 years old, and its hitting me like a bat to the face. Newsflash Lindsey, you aren't 22 any more.
Its not about money.
Its not about work.
Its not about my relationships.
Its not about what I'm doing with my life.
Its not about the grass being greener on the other side.
Its just uncertain. Its just so foreign. Who the heck am I? Who have I become in the last 6 years? Am I where I thought I would be? 7 years ago, where did I think I'd be?
The other day I was telling my mom a story about the time I was hanging out with a friend of mine. She is 23 and we were serving in our church's singles ministry. We felt a bit out of place, both being married mothers. Telling my mom this, I mentioned how we felt out of place being married mothers, but sort of like we belonged because we were both in our early twenties. I stopped myself mid-sentence and realized that I'm not in my early twenties anymore. I am 2 years into my late twenties.
I'm having trouble accepting that I'm in my late twenties...officially. How funny that we spend are entire youth wishing we were older than we are, only to be shocked by adulthood when we officially get there. In elementary school, you can't wait to be in 6th grade. In junior high, 8th grade is always better than 7th. In high school, you are nothing until you're a senior. In college, graduation is when life starts.
Then you graduate and wonder what's next...desperately hoping the world sees you as an adult. For me, I haven't felt like an adult over the last 5 years. I've felt like a kid playing dress up...despite being a married woman, despite becoming a mother. And on the eve of my 27th year, I'm taking the dress ups off and realizing that I'm here. I'm an adult. I am a grown woman. Where was I when that happened?
So I'm left with a choice. I can fight my 27th year. I can stay in purgatory, always wondering, always waiting for what's next. Or I can embrace number 27...the first year I actually feel like an adult. I just need to figure out what that looks like.
Anyone else ever have a 27th-year-crisis?
(photo by my dear friend Stephen Mangeri. Talented, isn't he?)