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I love Jesus Christ and devote my life to following Him. I'm madly in love with my husband jon. I'm the mother of the most perfect babies in the world. I'm a Senior Sales Associate at my beloved Anthropologie. I'm a reader, thinker, lover, believer and traveler. I'd trade in the chicago skyline for the pacific coast any day. i love a good vino. i love my books. i'm creative as creativity goes but always wanted to be a painter. i prefer letter writing over emailing. And I always try to be a kinder person.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Breath Holding

As a mother, the greatest fear in the world is the loss of your children. To best describe it, imagine each child as your heart living outside of your chest. Losing a child, I imagine, is like losing your heart.

My son has developed a new tendency that made me feel as close as I ever want to come to the feeling of losing a child. It's called "Breath Holding", and is apparently very common in babies. Judah gets so upset that he holds his breath to a point where his face turns blue and he goes limp. Often times a child will pass out entirely...though thankfully we haven't had that happen yet. It's so completely terrifying that I was in tears both times it happened (twice in two days). I called my pediatrician today and was reassured that it's totally benign and of no concern. The nurses advice, "stay as calm as physically possible...he will start breathing again no matter what".

I'm a pretty "in control" type of person...well, as much as a person can be. In those "breath holding" moments, I never felt more out of control...totally helpless. In this, I was quickly reminded of how desperate we need our God. How absolutely essential it is to depend on Him. Without faith in Christ, it's like walking a tight rope without a net. In those moments, I found myself turning immediately to God, and finding reassurance in His peace, His plan...whatever that looked like.

Now that I'm educated about my son's new tendency, I have no fear of anxiety about it's next occurrence, despite how much I dislike it. What I love (maybe the only thing I love) about situations like these, is how quickly God is revealed in moments of helplessness...and the jolted reminder I get to run to Him in moments of joy and happiness too.

Working to be thankful in both the good and the bad.