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I love Jesus Christ and devote my life to following Him. I'm madly in love with my husband jon. I'm the mother of the most perfect babies in the world. I'm a Senior Sales Associate at my beloved Anthropologie. I'm a reader, thinker, lover, believer and traveler. I'd trade in the chicago skyline for the pacific coast any day. i love a good vino. i love my books. i'm creative as creativity goes but always wanted to be a painter. i prefer letter writing over emailing. And I always try to be a kinder person.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

More waiting

I'm now three days overdue. On one hand, it feels amazing to just let this process happen. On the other hand it is terribly hard to wait.

I'm learning why so many mothers decide to schedule csections and get induced. If you were miserably uncomfortable with anything, and a doctor offered you an option for relief, you'd take it! I think women are applying this to childbirth these days...and the blame isn't all on mom, but the doctor who turns pregnancy into a condition to be treated instead of a natural process of life. It feels amazing to allow this natural process of life to take place without intervention, but like I mentioned before, there is nothing easy about the waiting.

I've been contracting on and off for the last three weeks. Imagine if you will, feeling those contractions and praying that it's time, only to have them die down EVERY time. Yesterday I had mild contractions from 6p until about 10:30p...then I fell asleep. I was so hoping they meant something big. Who wouldn't while feeling contractions at 40+ weeks?? I'm working really hard not to get discouraged by this...I'm working really hard not to get discouraged by the other moms I know who are having their babies before me...because they chose induction and i didn't.

I need to remind myself that I'm on a different path...

Monday, June 14, 2010

40 weeks and what I've learned

Today is my due date. I have reached the 40 week mark. Phew.

I learned a lot today.

Three years ago, I was pregnant with Alivia and 40 weeks came and went. I carry my babies big (I'm big, not the babies) and my doctor was so certain that Alivia was going to be huge, that she bullied me into an induction (which is not what I wanted). After some good pep-talks from an acquaintance, I cancelled my first induction. Doing that infuriated my doctor, and once again, she bullied me into another induction 4 days after my due date.

I went in on April 14th...was induced, got an epidural, Alivia went into distress, my doctor was even more sure she was huge and had issues, so she called an emergency c-section. Alivia Ruth Lindstrom was born at 2:25pm on April 14th, weighing 7lbs 2oz with an apgar score of a 9.

After this birthing experience, I vowed to myself that I'd never allow a doctor to bully me into anything regarding my labor or delivery ever again. Was I blessed to have a healthy beautiful baby? Of course!! But I believe my doctor rushed into my labor and delivery in a very unfair manner.

When I got pregnant this time around, all that was on my mind was a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesearean). I was referred by a dear friend to a different practice...a pro-VBAC practice (yes, not all doctors are willing to take on VBAC patients). They have proved to be exactly what I needed and wanted in a practice. Every doctor has discussed my desires with me in detail, helping me plan, giving me advice on how to achieve a successful VBAC, encouraging me and not pushing me into anything. They have been wonderful.

Needless to say, the end of pregnancy is hard...both physically and emotionally (in ways only a mother understands). On top of that, Im not a waiter. I have struggled with waiting my entire life...I'm terribly impatient (read my previous blog post!). Overwhelmed, I went into my doctor appointment today with high expectations and even higher emotions. I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions for the last two weeks, and this morning, they were so strong I asked Jon to stay home from work, absolutely certain I was in labor!

At 10:40am, my doctor checked me out...and to my grave disappointment, I wasn't dilated or anything. The news took me on an emotional rollercoaster. A few weeks back, one of my doctors and I decided to schedule a c-section just in case we'd need it. It's easier to schedule in advance. She gave me full go ahead to cancel whenever I'd was more for convenience purposes. This c-section is scheduled for Friday, June 18th. Not being dilated or effaced was defeating. I wasn't close to labor and I had this c-section looming in the distance.

I cried the whole way home. Thankfully I had my Jonathan with me. He said something rather profound...he told me that not being dilated at 40 weeks isn't anything to be upset about...and that we should be thanking God that we have a healthy, full term baby! OF COURSE! Our baby is perfect and healthy and a gift from God! Why wouldn't I be thrilled that I hit my due date with my little boy thriving!?

This is why my husband is the perfect man for me. He's my balance :-)

I relaxed, but still felt anxious. My mom (aka my doula) came over in the afternoon. Both Jon and my mom encouraged me to cancel my csection. They both reminded me of my goal of a VBAC...and my mom reminded me that she delivered 4 babies, all overdue, never dilated early and without a doctor recommending any kind of induction or csection (they didn't have those options back then). She reminded me that it's normal to go up to 42 weeks...hard, yes...but normal.

I called and cancelled my csection this afternoon...and it was the most liberating part of this entire pregnancy. The best part? There was no hesitation, no "are you sure?", and no question from my doctors. Their response, "not a problem at all Lindsey. It was merely there as a just in case. I'll cancel it for you right now!"

It's amazing what kind of bondage I was under just by scheduling the csection!! That may sound funny, but at 40 weeks...I have so much peace and freedom in the idea of waiting as long as my baby needs me to. I have faith that the Lord's timing is perfect...that all my strength comes from Him and I need to trust that!

So today, at 40 weeks pregnant...I'm still pregnant. I have no surgeries looming, no induction in the distance. I have no doctor barking "recommendations" over my shoulder. I have a healthy me...a healthy baby...and the freedom to allow my body and this baby to go into labor when it's ready to. It feels like I've taken back the reigns...and its awesome. Does it promise a successful VBAC? No. Does it guarentee that I won't have another csection? Not at all. But that's okay.

I filled my day with a little retail therapy...and a huge banana split...completely at peace with this 40 week pregnancy, thankful for my amazing support system and even more grateful that I can put all my trust in a sovereign God.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Waiting: a candid post

Today I am 39 weeks and one day pregnant...and I feel 39 weeks and one day pregnant. This morning I had a handful of real contractions...I didn't want them to stop, but alas, they did. I don't think there is anything more defeating. So I decided to try to take a walk with liv, hoping gravity would be on my side and decide to start up those contractions again. My plans were sidetracked as I opened my front door to a total downpour. I grabbed the stack of library books and movies to return and decided a trip to the library might take my mind off things. Liv fell asleep in the car, it's still raining...and now I'm home, in my car, in our parking spot, waiting for the rain to let up and letting liv get a little snooze in (since I can't carry her into the house anyway).

If there was a bench outside, I'd probably be sitting in the rain. I'm feeling a bit emotional, the rain is fitting. And maybe I'd feel something different besides being trapped in this very pregnant misery.

The waiting is definitely worse this time. Sure, I was anxious and uncomfortable with Alivia...but there is an element of the unknown during your first pregnancy, that sort of keeps your waiting tamed. Now that I know what I need to do...and what is at the end of this road...the waiting is dreadful. I wish my water would just break....that way I'd know it was time...instead of timing contractions and praying they don't go away. Can I pray for my water to break? Does God answer that kind of prayer?

Sometimes I think that all my complaining and anxiety is the reason I'm not going into labor. As though God is teaching me a golden lesson in patience and perseverance...waiting for me to chill out, turn to him for strength, be more thankful for my current state than miserable, be anxious for nothing...He knows me well enough to know all of this would be a major uphill battle. It's in my nature to complain when in the kind of position I'm in...and if you know me at all, you know I'm always anxious for the next matter what it is. Maybe today I'll work on figuring out how to surrender when all I really want to do is fight.

Here's hoping and praying my next blog post will be loaded with pictures of my new precious baby boy.