Oh Fall...I've missed you.

I love summer. 

I love wearing dresses and flip flops, having that sunkissed glow, going to the pool, enjoying the outside on a beautiful warm day. I love the way the world relaxes despite all the happenings around it. 

But the truth is that by August, I've had my fill. Once the kids go back to school, I'm ready for something new. Living in the midwest my entire life, I believe my clock is set to the seasons. I can't truly restart until there is a shift of winds. 

Fall has my heart :) 

I've become increasingly revived since Fall hit the midwest...

I want to decorate. I want to sit outside in my coziest sweater with a good book and a cup of coffee. I want to walk down the sidewalk in my boots and hear the leaves crunch under them. I want to smell the cold. I want to visit every pumpkin farm within a 30 mile radius and enjoy everything it has to offer. I want a red nose and to see my breath appear in the air. I want to see the leaves turn. 

I realize with the beginning of a new season, I have opportunities . I feel like I have the opportunity to redecorate my house...organize my cabinets and closets...clean every square inch so my home can be as new as the season. I feel like its time for new hobbies, time to finally wipe the dust off my sewing machine and start doing what I love. Its time to write and finally consider becoming more serious about what I can do with it. I feel like its time to teach Alivia new things...time to let her explore and learn to love all the things I love about fall.  I feel like its time to invest in my husband, time to remind ourselves of all the reasons we fell in love in the first place. 

Fall is reviving me. Restarting me. I absolutely love it. 

Oh Fall...I've missed you.

Let the discipline begin...

Today I spanked Alivia. 

We were home after a long afternoon out running errands. She was her beautiful happy little self, giggling at everything and being as cute as can be. So I decided to lay down on the couch for awhile. Alivia starting bringing me all her books and piling them right next to my head. One at a time she'd bring one over and add it to her ever-growing pile of hard covered books. 

Then she decides it would be funny to throw them. She picks up one hard covered book at a time and chucks it at my head. She does it once, I grab her hand and tell her not to throw books. She giggles, thinking of course that its a joke. She does it again, and again I correct her. Still somehow, this is hilarious. In no way am I being funny...the tone of my voice was raised, I looked her sternly in the face and corrected her. None of this is working and she continues to throw the books at me. 

It was then that I took her arm, turned her around and gave her two slaps on the toosh. Of course, they weren't out of anger and they weren't hard enough to physically hurt her in any way...but I'll tell you the look on her face broke my heart. She breaks out into tears, horrified that what she thought was a funny game ended up not being so funny. Immediately the guilt overwhelmed me, I took her in my arms, told her I loved her and that we don't throw books. I cuddled her in my arms until she stopped crying, she got down and resumed playing as though none of it ever happened. 10 seconds later she is giggling again and having a fun time...sans book throwing.

I have NEVER felt so guilty in my life.

I called my dad and told him about my experience. My parent's always disciplined. I personally preferred getting spanked by my dad, because he never hit nearly as hard as my mom...haha. I told him I had to spank Alivia for the first time...told him why...and he reminded me that what I did was right. He said, "the hard part Linds, is when they get too old to spank and talk back to you...then you have no idea how to discipline them." 

When parent's say their job is tough, I don't think they were talking about the "to do list". Parenting is the hardest job in the universe because of all that is emotionally attached. Sure, the "to do list" is tough too...but after awhile it becomes second nature. What's tough is when you get use to things and all of a sudden everything changes. What's tough is when your baby turns into a toddler and discipline suddenly needs to be enforced. 

Alivia is a piece of my heart. She is a part of me...even out of the womb she is so clearly attached to every heart string. Everything she does...every move she makes...with or without me...effects me. Hours later and Alivia has most definitely forgotten about her first official spanking...and I'm still bogged by the guilt. 

Hardest job in the universe? I'm learning that's the understatement of the century.