Its been almost a month since I miscarried.
Have you ever been in a situation where you look in the mirror at yourself, and don't even recognize the overwhelming grief you feel? The morning of, I got panicked. I looked in the mirror, sobbing, and didn't recognize myself. I had that sick to my stomach feeling...the kind that makes you want to lay in bed under the covers where no one can see you. It was a little shameful. It was a little embarassing. I even asked God out loud, "why is this happening to me?"
This lasted for two days. Two sorrowful, unfamiliar days.
Life often happens faster then we can keep up with it. Its so easy to fall in love with the things of the world. Its so easy to find everything else more appealing than truth. Its so easy to be decieved. Before I miscarried, this was me. I was overwhelmed with the wrong kind of happiness. The Holy Spirit would tap me on the shoulder and I wouldn't turn around.
I believe God allowed this miscarriage to occur, merely to remind me how desperately I need him in my life. Those two sorrowful days were unescapable. The only time I could feel was when I cried out to the Lord. The only time I felt comfort was in the arms of my Savior. Do you ever have those moments in life when you are so broken, that thinking about our sweet Jesus and his PERFECT love just breaks you down and brings you to tears? It was as if I couldn't define what I felt enough to explain it to any human...and with Him, I didn't need to.
I believe God allowed this miscarriage, to teach me all about his grace...his sufficiency...his compassion. A wakeup call, if you will. A reset button. A reminder. A memo. Although it was a painful one...somehow when I woke up the day after I had miscarried, my heart was full. Overflowing with the PRESENCE of the Lord. Have you ever felt that?
I look back...almost a month later...and I feel blessed to have experienced what I did. It was a necessity. Absolute necessity.
Please don't read this as though I have no compassion for those who have once experienced what I have. Don't read this as though I believe every woman should view a miscarriage as a blessing. There is no doubt that a miscarriage is a horrible, painful, sorrowful experience...but this time...for me...in my life...God took the dark and made it light.