Alivia will be 17 months old on September 14th.
I'm learning lately that this never gets easier. I'm not talking about caring and tending to a child. Its hard work, yes...but when you do it every day all day, it becomes part of the natural process.
Watching Alivia grow never gets easier.
Watching Alivia become more independent of me never gets easier.
Watching Alivia become this little person all her own never gets easier.
After I had Alivia, I dealt with some pretty low baby blues. For 9 months I carried her in my body...I gave her nourishment, I developed her brain, her bones, her heart, her lungs. God and I spent 9 months knitting this beautiful baby together. I could feel her...I knew her kicks, her frequent hiccups, her every move. We had been in very close company for 9 full months.
My blues began with feeling like my very best little friend was taken out of me. While there was great joy in having her here, there was a saddness in knowing that she wasn't as close to me as I had always known her to be. She could be held by another, new people had the opportunity to get to know her kicks and hiccups...I felt like I had lost that closeness we had since day one.
Oddly enough, that grief is always there...even without the baby blues. Perhaps my blues took one of the many emotions I felt and heightened it to an intense degree. While there is joy in most everything Alivia does in her little life...every step taken, every word learned, every game played...there is grief that as she grows, she becomes more and more independent of me. This little girl who once lived inside of me could now live without me.
Yet in a house full of toys, all Alivia wants is to be as close to her mommy as possible.
Perhaps while I grieve her independence from me, she does to. Perhaps this closeness that I consider lost just evolves into a new closeness...a deeper and more meaningful closeness. Perhaps instead of grieving her independence...I should take joy in knowing that this independence means a new phase of growth for Alivia...and with this new phase of growth, comes a new piece to our ever developing mother-daughter relationship.