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I love Jesus Christ and devote my life to following Him. I'm madly in love with my husband jon. I'm the mother of the most perfect babies in the world. I'm a Senior Sales Associate at my beloved Anthropologie. I'm a reader, thinker, lover, believer and traveler. I'd trade in the chicago skyline for the pacific coast any day. i love a good vino. i love my books. i'm creative as creativity goes but always wanted to be a painter. i prefer letter writing over emailing. And I always try to be a kinder person.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

A house full of toys

Alivia will be 17 months old on September 14th. 

I'm learning lately that this never gets easier. I'm not talking about caring and tending to a child. Its hard work, yes...but when you do it every day all day, it becomes part of the natural process. 

Watching Alivia grow never gets easier.
Watching Alivia become more independent of me never gets easier.
Watching Alivia become this little person all her own never gets easier. 

After I had Alivia, I dealt with some pretty low baby blues. For 9 months I carried her in my body...I gave her nourishment, I developed her brain, her bones, her heart, her lungs. God and I spent 9 months knitting this beautiful baby together. I could feel her...I knew her kicks, her frequent hiccups, her every move. We had been in very close company for 9 full months. 

My blues began with feeling like my very best little friend was taken out of me. While there was great joy in having her here, there was a saddness in knowing that she wasn't as close to me as I had always known her to be. She could be held by another, new people had the opportunity to get to know her kicks and hiccups...I felt like I had lost that closeness we had since day one. 

Oddly enough, that grief is always there...even without the baby blues.  Perhaps my blues took one of the many emotions I felt and heightened it to an intense degree. While there is joy in most everything Alivia does in her little life...every step taken, every word learned, every game played...there is grief that as she grows, she becomes more and more independent of me. This little girl who once lived inside of me could now live without me. 

Yet in a house full of toys, all Alivia wants is to be as close to her mommy as possible. 

Perhaps while I grieve her independence from me, she does to. Perhaps this closeness that I consider lost just evolves into a new closeness...a deeper and more meaningful closeness. Perhaps instead of grieving her independence...I should take joy in knowing that this independence means a new phase of growth for Alivia...and with this new phase of growth, comes a new piece to our ever developing mother-daughter relationship.


vana chupp said...

Great post Lindsey! Aren't we mothers a bit "selfish" at times? I feel the same way with Nikolas going to preschool (PRESCHOOL!!!!) this coming Monday. He is so independent right now...which I just realized, it's a good thing. May be time for another one, don't you say???

Alyssa said...

That was a lovely post:) I can't relate at the moment - hopefully soon - but, I can feel your sadness and joy in this writing. Great stuff.

Red Eyes of Fire said...

My goodness, that was such a sweet post. Happy birthday ahead althoughI am all teary eyed.

geirokalo & bizo said...

Lindsey- this is such a beautiful post... Alex just hit 18months on Oct.28th...I think that means we had our babies 14 days apart? Alex's bday is April 28th...anyway, just wanted you to know that I echo all these sentiments...this grief and loss and life and joy in being a mama...I'll look forward to visiting your blog more often! Hugs!Melissa (Wagner)Sogavo