This time last week, I completed a miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant. The cramps stopped. The bleeding stopped. And almost instantly, I didn't feel pregnant anymore.
We were on our much anticipated trip to California. On Tuesday morning, I woke up with my sick baby, and made plans to take him to urgent care to treat his ear infection. I went to the bathroom, and I was bleeding. Immediately I wept. Its a relatively normal occurrence for women to spot during pregnancy...but I never have. Its alarming. I called my doctor who ordered me to go to the ER and get an ultrasound. We all got dressed and prepared to go.
I called my mom who tried to reassure me with her well practiced reassuring ways. Can't tell you how badly I wished I was home at that moment.
We went in, had the ultrasound, got antibiotics for Judah and was told by the ultrasound tech that there was no baby. An hour later, the doctor finally came in and told us that the baby was still there (stupid ultrasound tech). Heartbeat was questionable. We went home a wreck. We didn't know if we were miscarrying or not. Total roller coaster. I was diagnosed with a "Threatened Miscarriage". It was threatening alright. I felt like someone had me at gunpoint.
I kept bleeding. I had horrible cramps. Almost felt like contractions. Each new pain, I mourned. I knew it was happening. I needed a doctor to tell me so and the ER was deemed USELESS. Wednesday we headed south to my sister's house. She had found me an OB I could see and got me an appointment. Jon and I went in, had the ultrasound and was told we most definitely miscarried.
I kept bleeding. I kept cramping. Some so painful that I was on the bed in tears. Thankfully I had good meds. I decided to let it be what it was, and continue to enjoy my vacation as best we could. My sister definitely helped me do that. We shopped, got pedicures, drank wine. All the "therapy" a girl could ask for. Not to mention my sweet husband, who so intimately knew my heart through all of this. I'm blessed beyond measure to be married to the man I am.
Friday morning I completed the miscarriage. The cramps stopped. The bleeding stopped. And almost instantly, I didn't feel pregnant anymore.
Friends and family keep asking me how I'm feeling. I don't know what to say. I feel good. Physically I'm 100%. Emotionally I have my up moments and my down moments. You know when you are buying a car, and you have one in mind that you really like...and it seems like you see it EVERYWHERE? Well I want to be pregnant right now. And pregnant women are everywhere. Ultrasound pictures of growing babies seem to pop up on nearly EVERY social networking site I log into. And the truth is that every time I see one, my heart breaks a little. We came home from California to our one and only picture of our little lost baby on the fridge. Judah's big brother t-shirt in the drawer. The baby blanket my mom bought in the closet. Prenatal pills on the counter. All these things like tiny daggers to the heart...little things celebrating our baby.
When I first started bleeding, there was only one thing that went through my head...and it stayed with me from start to finish. Even now. GOD KNOWS. The immense comfort in that phrase can't even be put into words. There is nothing more uncertain than losing a baby. Its like the world keeps moving and you are stuck in one place. You just want to scream for everyone to stop or slow down. Almost as if a mother's heart can't move forward without her baby. But there is no baby. Its such a SHITTY feeling. But GOD KNOWS. He knows I can handle it. He knew that our baby would be in His arms before ours. He knows what our future holds. He knows all of it.
So I can be stuck. I can wonder why this happened to us. I can worry that I did something wrong that caused this (don't worry, I know I didn't do anything wrong). Or I can just take comfort in the fact that GOD KNOWS. He is telling me to rest in that. And I am.
I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I don't want anyone to cry for me, or mourn for me. I don't want that attention. Call me stubborn. I don't know why I don't want any of that...but its just how I am mourning this. Its such an intimately personal experience...one that I'm sure everyone handles in their own way. I appreciate prayer. Always. But if you read this and want to do something or say something...pray instead. Praise Him for knowing all things. Praise Him for creating life.
*disclaimer: If you are one of my pregnant family or friends who read this and immediately felt like shit for posting whatever you did about your baby and pregnancy, please don't feel bad :) I want to rejoice with you in the baby you are carrying...and while it may take a little time for me to not feel the way I do...it would hurt more for this to hinder your JOY for the beautiful life you've been blessed with. Post everything and know I am JOYFUL for you!