Time soothes all sorrows

Thursday, June 13th, 2013

I don't think I have many readers on here. Which makes this a great outsource for what I need to write today. I've been thinking for the last few days about how difficult it is to talk about this...but how much I need to get the thoughts out. Writing will do :)

This time last week, I completed a miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant. The cramps stopped. The bleeding stopped. And almost instantly, I didn't feel pregnant anymore.

We were on our much anticipated trip to California. On Tuesday morning, I woke up with my sick baby, and made plans to take him to urgent care to treat his ear infection. I went to the bathroom, and I was bleeding. Immediately I wept. Its a relatively normal occurrence for women to spot during pregnancy...but I never have. Its alarming. I called my doctor who ordered me to go to the ER and get an ultrasound. We all got dressed and prepared to go.

I called my mom who tried to reassure me with her well practiced reassuring ways. Can't tell you how badly I wished I was home at that moment.

We went in, had the ultrasound, got antibiotics for Judah and was told by the ultrasound tech that there was no baby. An hour later, the doctor finally came in and told us that the baby was still there (stupid ultrasound tech). Heartbeat was questionable. We went home a wreck. We didn't know if we were miscarrying or not. Total roller coaster.  I was diagnosed with a "Threatened Miscarriage". It was threatening alright. I felt like someone had me at gunpoint.

I kept bleeding. I had horrible cramps. Almost felt like contractions. Each new pain, I mourned. I knew it was happening. I needed a doctor to tell me so and the ER was deemed USELESS. Wednesday we headed south to my sister's house. She had found me an OB I could see and got me an appointment. Jon and I went in, had the ultrasound and was told we most definitely miscarried.

I kept bleeding. I kept cramping. Some so painful that I was on the bed in tears. Thankfully I had good meds. I decided to let it be what it was, and continue to enjoy my vacation as best we could. My sister definitely helped me do that. We shopped, got pedicures, drank wine. All the "therapy" a girl could ask for. Not to mention my sweet husband, who so intimately knew my heart through all of this. I'm blessed beyond measure to be married to the man I am.

Friday morning I completed the miscarriage. The cramps stopped. The bleeding stopped. And almost instantly, I didn't feel pregnant anymore.

Friends and family keep asking me how I'm feeling. I don't know what to say. I feel good. Physically I'm 100%. Emotionally I have my up moments and my down moments. You know when you are buying a car, and you have one in mind that you really like...and it seems like you see it EVERYWHERE? Well I want to be pregnant right now. And pregnant women are everywhere. Ultrasound pictures of growing babies seem to pop up on nearly EVERY social networking site I log into. And the truth is that every time I see one, my heart breaks a little. We came home from California to our one and only picture of our little lost baby on the fridge. Judah's big brother t-shirt in the drawer. The baby blanket my mom bought in the closet. Prenatal pills on the counter. All these things like tiny daggers to the heart...little things celebrating our baby.

When I first started bleeding, there was only one thing that went through my head...and it stayed with me from start to finish. Even now. GOD KNOWS. The immense comfort in that phrase can't even be put into words. There is nothing more uncertain than losing a baby. Its like the world keeps moving and you are stuck in one place. You just want to scream for everyone to stop or slow down. Almost as if a mother's heart can't move forward without her baby. But there is no baby. Its such a SHITTY feeling. But GOD KNOWS. He knows I can handle it. He knew that our baby would be in His arms before ours. He knows what our future holds. He knows all of it.

So I can be stuck. I can wonder why this happened to us. I can worry that I did something wrong that caused this (don't worry, I know I didn't do anything wrong). Or I can just take comfort in the fact that GOD KNOWS. He is telling me to rest in that. And I am.

I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I don't want anyone to cry for me, or mourn for me. I don't want that attention. Call me stubborn. I don't know why I don't want any of that...but its just how I am mourning this. Its such an intimately personal experience...one that I'm sure everyone handles in their own way. I appreciate prayer. Always. But if you read this and want to do something or say something...pray instead. Praise Him for knowing all things. Praise Him for creating life.



*disclaimer: If you are one of my pregnant family or friends who read this and immediately felt like shit for posting whatever you did about your baby and pregnancy, please don't feel bad :) I want to rejoice with you in the baby you are carrying...and while it may take a little time for me to not feel the way I do...it would hurt more for this to hinder your JOY for the beautiful life you've been blessed with. Post everything and know I am JOYFUL for you!

Callused.

The older I get, the more I understand what I put my parent's through as a high school student. I keep finding myself becoming a callused old woman with a very little tolerance for the naivety of youth. Let me assure you, I pray against it always. Perhaps it would be easier to continue being callused if I didn't have the privilege of serving the Lord by leading a group of senior high school girls. Watching how the Lord miraculously changes the hearts of even the very lost, never fails to astound me.

I'm always pulled between grace and truth. As those who know me well will tell you, I'm much more of a truth person than a grace person. If you have the guts to put it out, you best have the guts to hear what I'm gonna give back to you. This works in some cases, but the longer I work with high school students, the more I realize that there needs to be a balance. Its easy to forget how I was when I was in high school. My old youth group leader will tell you I was one of her most challenging students...maybe even hopeless.

What I remember about her most was that she listened to me, that she was consistently in my life and that she loved me no matter what junk I may have drudged her through. To be perfectly honest, I don't even remember all the trouble she walked with me through...but I do remember her always being there, speaking the truth of the gospel into my life, teaching me about the incredible love of Jesus. She never judged, but directed. She was firm, yet incredibly loving. She was excited with me when Jesus changed my heart, and she wasn't far when I wanted nothing to do with Him.

So when I decided to lead in our high school ministry, I knew that I had a fantastic example to serve by...and the more I led, the more I realized that she was simply exemplifying Christ in her leading me.

I feel like in almost every situation in life, we get wrapped up in the "how to" or in the practice of becoming the best. We seek out the best leaders to learn how to lead...but we forget that all the secrets of the very best Leader is in scripture. How do we lead anyone well?? By serving them as Jesus would. With love, grace and truth...being a constant in their lives, even when they want nothing to do with us. My serving has changed gears in a huge way...less me, more Jesus...in everything. And let me tell you...when you serve with the heart of Jesus, and get snubbed by a student...it certainly puts my own sins against Christ in perspective.

A decade past.

I'll be 30 years old in 20 days.

Tonight I was driving home from my parent's house, and started thinking about all those times when I doubted God. When I doubted His ability to use me. When I excluded myself from His calling because I assumed there were enough people in the world doing what He called us to do. Times when my pursuit of Christ was on my to do list...times when my faith wasn't my first priority. I spent so many years wasting time...trying to figure out life apart from God. Trying to sort out these things in my life, giving God the thanks no doubt, but that's about it.

I remember being 18 and 19 years old and having women in my life who were GREAT women of God. I remember thinking how much I wanted to be that, and how INSANELY far away I was from it. I remember feeling the impossibility of it...the HUGENESS of it...so so far away.

Fast forward 10 and 11 years. I'm a college graduate. I'm married to a man I never imagined I could be blessed with. I have two of the most incredible children, both carried through perfectly healthy pregnancies and delivered without complication. I've owned two homes. I've accomplished a ton in my twenties. But to be honest, in the most humble way, my relationship with Jesus Christ...my pursuit of holiness...my desire to become a woman of God...THAT is what has made my 20's all worth it.

When I look back, I have a lot to be thankful for, but I'm most thankful that I've become one of those Godly women I so aspired to be. Please know I don't say that to boast. I don't wear it pridefully. I am humbled in the presence of my savior. His victory in my life has me on my knees daily. This nearness I am now so very familiar with, isn't something I'd ever give up.

So if asked the question of what I'd say today to the 20 year old me...I'm not sure I'd say anything. I lived my 20's well. I lived my 20's faithfully. More and more I realize how much I needed to do all I did through the past in order to be where I am now. More and more I see God's hand in my life...through my past and on my future. He has always been present. He was standing near protecting me from the naivety of youth. He was standing there waiting for me to realize how much more He was compared to all those idols I held so dear. He was the one who blessed me, who taught me, who tested me. His hand moving so intentionally in every direction, leading me RIGHT. HERE.

I've never been more excited to turn a new age. Not because I'm older...or that the world will look at me differently now that I'm that much more of an adult. I'm excited because for the first time I feel like its truly an end of an era, and the beginning of another. So here's to my 30's. All praise and glory be to God.

Blessings,
L

Thankful

I'm not normally the one who does the thankful blogs around thanksgiving. But recently I've noticed my negativity. I am THANKFUL that I notice when I'm being abundantly negative, and I'm THANKFUL I have the know how to change my attitude.

Regardless, I feel like I owe it to my friends and family to talk about all the things I truly am thankful for. All the things I'm blessed with even when my complaints seems to overshadow them. Here are 24 things I am thankful for this year...in no special order!

1. I am thankful for my husband. I am married to a man I don't deserve. He is kind...more kind than anyone you know (I'm sure of it). He is patient, gracious, loving and loyal. He keeps my head up, he makes me feel beautiful even on my ugliest days and he holds me accountable to the things I'm working on. He is, in every meaning of the phrase, my best friend. I am so in love. So devoted.

2. I am thankful for my beautiful children. I've been blessed with a daughter who is wise, beautiful, loving, hilarious and so creative. I've been blessed with a son who is so caring, so loving and abundantly happy. My heart is FULL...incredibly full.

3. I am thankful for my parents. I have the world's most incredible parents. They are caring, devoted, wise and always true. They have taught me love, that perfection is unattainable, but that God is refining. I love them endlessly.

4. I am thankful for my siblings and their spouses. Each one is so different and so completely necessary in my life. I love all of them. We have so much fun.

5. I am thankful for my 6 nieces and 1 nephew! They are beautiful, each one of them. I would scoop them up and call them my own if I needed to. Each one is so tucked into my heart, I feel blessed to have them!

6. I am thankful for my inlaws. They are generous and loving...so endlessly devoted to our babies, and so supportive of Jon and I.

7. I am thankful for my grandparents and extended family. Aunts, uncles, cousins...blessed to have many. I love my time spent with them. I love all of them.

8. I am thankful for my friends. Ahhh friends...the privilege of being able to create relationships with people like the ones I have in my life is incredible. I love them. They strengthen me and better me.

9. I'm thankful for my home. We own a beautiful condo we were able to purchase last year. While it constantly stretches us, it is a blessing none the less. I am covered, I am warm, I am comfortable. Thats a lot more than most can say.

10. I am thankful for the clothes on my back...because I have them in abundance, because I can choose my outfit and wear a different one every day. I have too much to be thankful for...how easily we forget to be thankful for even the smallest things.

11. I am thankful for the food in my pantry. I am thankful because even when it's all gone, and we don't have means to buy more, we have people who help us.

12. I am thankful for our cars. A car is a strange thing. Such an overlooked luxury. And we have two of them.

13. I am thankful for electricity. I can see in the dark. I am warm when it's cold. I can cook my food with ease. I can be entertained by film and technology.

14. I am thankful for my laundry machines. My clothes are always clean.

15. I am thankful for running water. I can take a warm shower whenever I want. I can drink a cold glass of water when I'm thirsty. It's endless. And clean.

16. I am thankful for the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want.

17. I am thankful that my husband and I have jobs...and even though money is tight, things could be far worse.

18. I am thankful for my humor. This sounds terribly conceited, but I don't mean it to be. I have tough skin, I am able to laugh and make others laugh. I love it. I am thankful for it. Laughter is healing.

19. I am thankful for our pediatricians. When my kids are sick or hurt, I can take them to a place where people dedicate their lives to help them. No matter the cost, I'm grateful.

20. I am thankful for my neighborhood. We live in a place where my kids can play safely, where neighbors are friendly, where lawns are mowed.

21. I am thankful for my bed. I get to sleep on clean sheets, on top of a pillow top mattress, with a giant (and very warm) blanket and TWO big fluffy pillows to rest my head on.

22. I am thankful for my church. I get to go and worship Jesus Christ twice a week...no one stops me.

23. I am thankful for education. For my own. For my husband's. For the future education of my children.

24. Finally, and certainly above all, I am thankful for my relationship with Jesus Christ. I am forgiven when I don't deserve to be. I am cleansed. I am renewed. I am thankful for a God who is righteous and good. I am thankful for a God who chose me and loves me. THIS is enough.

I could add a hundred more things I'm thankful for, but you get the point. We want and want and want...our society is structured that way...and we forget the small things that are so big in the eyes of others.

I am blessed big time.
Even when money is tight.
Even when things seem impossible.
Even when reality isn't pretty.
Even when the world tries to take me down.

I am thankful this year and I plan to remind myself to be thankful for things small and big, every year.

Happy Thanksgiving loved ones.

Promised.

Do you ever get wrapped up in so many things that you feel like its impossible to even get your barring on reality? I'm there. In fact, this is like the story of my life.

I have periods of time where I feel totally in control. Everything is just as it should be...in the right place...in the right position. But most times, I feel all spread out...spread way too thin. I feel stretched and bent so uncomfortably that I get worn down. I feel like I'm working for everyone else, I'm caring for everyone else...and everyone else forgot to take care of me.

Don't worry, I'm not depressed. But seriously...can I get an "Amen"!? I don't think I know a single person who hasn't been in this very position. It's amazing what I try to do to fix it...drop an activity, keep a week free of stuff, clean my house until every inch is shining...and all of it is just so temporary. Trivial at best.

We can choose to live this way, day in and day out, always trying to work through it all on our own. We can constantly depend on the relationships in our lives to sustain us emotionally. We can work and work to make things look good...but it's all worth so little.

I imagine myself walking next to God. On my back I carry my family, my friends, my home, my work, my life. All by myself, I carry the weight and work endlessly to keep on my feet. Why wouldn't I depend on God, walking next to me, to help me carry it all? Just as you'd depend on anyone to help you carry a heavy load...so should I depend on my Lord for his help.

When my relationship with God is firm, so is everything else. The pieces fall into place...things work out. Worries seem silly. Blessings are abundant.

How do we forget this? Constantly forgetting this? Even though it's been PROMISED to us?

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30 ESV)

Lord, forgive me for thinking I have control over this. Forgive me for relying on the care of others for the fulfillment of my soul. YOU are enough. YOU are enough for me. Help me remember this, and seek you first in all things.

"All I want is my momma"

I remember being little and having that feeling of fullness and love when I was in the arms of my mom or dad. It was safe, it was relaxing, it was happy. When I was sick, when I was hurt, when I was sad, when I was afraid...the only place I'd want to be was in the arms of my parents.

I feel blessed to have memories of that. Even as a 29 year old woman, I still feel that way. It's a feeling you can ever part with, and I'm eternally thankful to my parents for blessing me with that lifelong assurance.

Just last night, I came home from small group and Liv (my 4 year old) was still up waiting for me. It was about 9:30p (about 40 minutes past her bedtime), and she was exhausted. I wrapped her up in my arms and asked her if she was sleepy. She responded with:

"I'm so tired...and all I want is my mommy"

I can't even explain what kind of joy this brought me. To know that my kids feel that same fullness and love in me that I have in my parents is so important to me. I am her safe assurance...WOW...how did I get so blessed?!?

With all this said, I can't help but think of how much our Savior wishes and hopes that in our adulthood, we would seek His arms for that fullness and love we instinctually need as humans. That same assurance ours parents gave us as children is the assurance the Lord offers to His children. Who wouldn't want to live in that?

My role as a parent is going to be one that my children learn from. The assurance, love and promise that I instill in their lives will be what they compare to the assurance, love and promise the Lord has for them. With that in mind, I think I finally understand my purpose in parenting...to teach my children about the relationship they can have with Jesus Christ through the parent/child relationship we cultivate with each other. I want to emulate the Lord in all I do. There is no failure in that. That's most certainly a promise I can cling to!

Hello Anthropologie :)

This summer was a rough one. Financially we were expecting more money, and ended up with less. I was "let go" of my hours at The Music Room for economic reasons, and things were looking pretty crappy. Jon and I had been overcome by the reality of our financial position...but instead of letting it "take the throne" in our lives...we chose to have faith that all this was happening for a reason.

God is good. We know that for sure.

I needed a job. Anthropologie held open interviews last week, and after pining over my interview outfit, I went in to see if I'd fit the bill. Being in there, talking to the manager and employees, just being around their product...it all felt right. My interview went really well. Something I've learned over the years is that there is no use pretending to be something you aren't when you interview for a new job. Let yourself be you and pray that "you" is exactly what they are looking for. They said they'd get back to each of us within the week. My week came and went, and on Sunday, I called in eager to find out if I was the lucky pick.

I got the job.

I was practically screaming on the phone...the excitement was not containable! I got the job. I am working at anthropologie. I get to work with their product...the beautiful clothes, the amazing accessories, the sophisticated home goods. I get to help women choose outfits using the most beautiful and timeless clothing to choose from. I. AM. THRILLED.

I understand that having a job is a necessity for most (duh), but my position has always been that its just as important to LOVE what you do as it is to have a job in the first place. My 12 years working at The Music Room has taught me so much about people and retail. I am beyond thankful for all I've learned, because now I get to take my knowledge and pair it with my passion. This is going to be a good ride :) Praise the Lord for His faithfulness!!

With all this said...I thought I'd share a few of my favorite anthro looks :) Enjoy my friends...and come visit me.

OBSESSED!