Breath Holding

As a mother, the greatest fear in the world is the loss of your children. To best describe it, imagine each child as your heart living outside of your chest. Losing a child, I imagine, is like losing your heart.

My son has developed a new tendency that made me feel as close as I ever want to come to the feeling of losing a child. It's called "Breath Holding", and is apparently very common in babies. Judah gets so upset that he holds his breath to a point where his face turns blue and he goes limp. Often times a child will pass out entirely...though thankfully we haven't had that happen yet. It's so completely terrifying that I was in tears both times it happened (twice in two days). I called my pediatrician today and was reassured that it's totally benign and of no concern. The nurses advice, "stay as calm as physically possible...he will start breathing again no matter what".

I'm a pretty "in control" type of person...well, as much as a person can be. In those "breath holding" moments, I never felt more out of control...totally helpless. In this, I was quickly reminded of how desperate we need our God. How absolutely essential it is to depend on Him. Without faith in Christ, it's like walking a tight rope without a net. In those moments, I found myself turning immediately to God, and finding reassurance in His peace, His plan...whatever that looked like.

Now that I'm educated about my son's new tendency, I have no fear of it...no anxiety about it's next occurrence, despite how much I dislike it. What I love (maybe the only thing I love) about situations like these, is how quickly God is revealed in moments of helplessness...and the jolted reminder I get to run to Him in moments of joy and happiness too.

Working to be thankful in both the good and the bad.

In other news...

Tonight after dinner, Judah was quietly sitting in his highchair and as I walked by, he leaned towards me and said "momma".

It wasn't one of those baby mumbles either...he knew who he was talking to :-)

It was like his little arms lifted me out of my rut with one sweet word. THIS is why I love being a momma!

These are a few of my favorite things...

I've been a mom for awhile now...I think its about time I let you all in on some of my favorite baby and mommy necessities and splurges...in no particular order:

1. Triple Paste: Don't let anyone fool you, there is NO better diaper cream in the world. I've tried them all, and while I'm a fan of Aquaphor, I love me some triple paste to clear up the worst of rashes. Not only do they have diaper cream, but eczema cream too.

2. Carter's Onesies: Some may say that onesies are onesies, but they are a staple in our home for baby. They need to be soft, durable and fit well. I am head over heels for Carter's onesies. I stock up at every size.

3. Zutano Booties: These are a new find. Alivia basically lived in Robeez, which are great, but Zutano booties are soft, warm and NEVER fall off. I have them in two colors for Judah and he wears them every day.

4. Koala Lux Baby Blanket: I must have a million blankets for my kids, but this is my favorite. Its soft, not too heavy, but seriously warm. Its the perfect Spring, Winter and Fall blanket. Good for nursing or to just keep in the car. I love mine. Its overpriced, so don't ever get one unless you have a babies r us 20% off coupon!

5. Britax Car Seats: As a parent, there are just some things that are totally important not to skimp on. I like to consider things like cribs, strollers, high chairs and car seats investments. Back in October 2010, Alivia and I were in a terrible car accident. Our car was totaled, I had major bruises and whiplash, but Alivia walked away unscathed. From that day forward, I pledged my allegiance to Britax. We own the Marathon for Alivia, and the Advocate 70C for Judah. They are pricey, but the best. Having seen them in action through the worst possible scenario, I'll never use anything else.

6. Psycho Baby Boutique: For my locals, this is my favorite downtown baby boutique. Its totally overpriced but if you have some extra money to have fun with, this place is full of super cute, super unique stuff. They have an online shop too. Warning, its not a stroller friendly store, so bring your sling!!

7. Karma Baby Sling: I have a mad obsession with baby carriers. I've owned all of them except a few, but this one is my favorite by far. The fabric is soft and sturdy, and its enough fabric to make you feel like your baby is secure. It has a loop on them to hold a pacifier and a little pouch for anything you need to keep on you while carrying baby. And the patterns are super cute :)

8. Old Navy Fake Uggs: God bless those parent's that can afford to outfit their children in $100 Uggs, but I'm not one of them. Frankly, the idea of purchasing kids shoes at that price terrifies me! The link will only bring you to the Old Navy site, but they sell fake toddler Uggs every season. They are cute, warm and last the entire season. Alivia has lived in them since October and I stocked up on another pair in a size up for next year.

9. Baby Gap and Gap Kids: Okay...so this favorite is a bit broad, but here's the deal...I'm in love. I absolutely adore Baby Gap and Gap Kids, and before you start telling me your budget can't afford it, I beg to differ. It is on a very rare occasion that I purchase anything full price. The turn around at Gap is so quick, if you see something full price one week, it WILL be on sale the next week. Most times if you stop in the store, there will be an additional 40% sale prices (which are already pretty low). And if you shop often, you'll get 20% a regular priced item coupon at check out. You need to shop often and keep your eyes open. The best sales are in store, not online.

10. Playtex Sippy Cups: Sippy cups are a constant struggle for parents. I can't tell you how many I've gone through with Alivia...trying to find the perfect one. You can go from the cheapest crap to the fanciest stainless steel...I've owned them all. The one cup brand that I think it best is playtex. Both the first sipster and the older toddler sippys are the best. They don't leak, they are super easy to clean and the water never smells like plastic. I own them for both Alivia and Judah. We use them every single day.

11. Nursing Bra: I'm a nursing momma...I commit to nursing all my babies for at least 12 months. So when you basically eat, breath and sleep nursing...nursing bras are a necessity. I've been through many, but this one is my favorite. Its soft, no poking wires, easy to nurse with and enough support to keep my sagging girls from sagging past my knees. They are a bit pricey, but when you wear them everyday, you want something that won't fall apart on you.

12. New Mother, New Baby: This is another boutique for you locals. Its my favorite boutique in the suburbs. New Mother, New Baby is run by a lactation consultant who is awesome. They carry absolutely everything you'll need for breastfeeding (including pump parts), baby clothes, baby carriers, nursing clothes, toys and books. The best part? Its totally reasonably priced. They have a sweet little "Rest Stop" room with a glider, changing table and baby scale if you need a pit stop for your baby. They also offer a ton of amazing classes for mommies...from basic lactation consulting, to baby massage and a baby wearing class. Stop by sometime :)

13. Diaper Bag...errrr not: With Alivia, I always used an over the shoulder diaper bag. By the time I was done using a diaper bag for her, I discovered how much I hated it. When Judah came along, I purchased this Patagonia Backpack. Its just a basic backpack, but its smaller, fits everything, has a million little pockets for all the baby knick knacks and its light. The best part? Hands free. Wearing a backpack makes loads more sense when you're lugging a baby and toddler around. Patagonia is an awesome brand, so its durable, decently priced, and will make a great bag for anything else once my kids grow out of diapers.

14. Hannah Andersson Training Unders: These are a little pricey, but often go on sale. They are the BEST training underwear ever. They have great coverage, and extra padding down the entire middle of the underwear. From experience, it absorbs 75% of pee and contains the poop if an accident occurs. I've used them on Alivia since she started potty training. She still uses them (mostly because they still fit her tiny butt). They come in tons of patterns and colors for both boys and girls.

15. Baby Jogger City Mini Double Stroller: A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about my love affair with our new double stroller. This is the one. Ladies, I did the research. I tried them all out...I read all the reviews. This stroller is the best. It fits through every door, fits in the trunk, is super light and super easy to push. My kids adore it (Judah even sleeps in it! He never did that in our single stroller!). I'm in love...and if you are in the market, you'll fall in love too :)

For now...these are the favorites I can think up. As I run into (or remember) others...I'll add to my list! Hope you enjoy :)

Double stroller from heaven

Yesterday, we bought a double stroller. I researched like crazy. I knew a few things I wanted for sure...it had to be something I could exercise with, I wanted a side by side and it couldn't be enormous. It needed to fulfill my working out and everyday needs.

Last weekend, Jon and I took the kids to try out strollers. We tried everything at two baby stores, almost bought one, then decided against it because of bad reviews online. We came home empty handed. Yesterday, after finding something interesting online, I went to another babies r us to check out their selection...and there it was:



The baby jogger city mini double...aka...the best double stroller in the universe...aka...worth every penny...aka double stroller from heaven.

This thing had everything I wanted:

- it's compact, but not cheap
- it has great reviews
- it has sturdy and larger wheels
- both seats recline all the way back
- front wheels lock for exercising and all terrain (yanno, for all the mountain climbing I do)
- the turning radius is insane
- it feels like I'm pushing nothing...ironically it's WAY easier to maneuver than my Greco single stroller.

Anyway, it's amazing. Today I tried it out and loved it. Judah loved it. Liv loved it. Most importantly, it made my trip today considerably easy. Just one stroller full of kids to keep my eye on instead of one in the stroller and the other lagging behind. I almost felt babyless! Hahaha! I felt for the other mommies...one in the single stroller, dragging the other in hand behind her. Poor thing, if only she knew all the freedoms that come with double strolling.

So if you are in the market for a double stroller, save yourself the headache of researching and just get this one. It may be a bit more expensive, but if you use strollers as often as I do, it's worth every penny.

I Surrender...

I'm convinced...when they did my c-section with Judah they MUST have done a lobotomy too. I HAVE COMPLETELY LOST MY MIND!

Ever since the birth of my perfect child, I can't remember anything. I forget the stupidest things constantly...at home, at work, everywhere. This is a major problem for me and my compulsive organization. I'm the kind of person who can rely on my compulsiveness. If something works for me, I don't change it, so I can trust that the things I do get done a certain way...until now. Normally I keep a mental checklist of to dos....emails to write, calls to make, purchases to put in the check book...but as of late, I'm lucky if I can remember the point I was getting at.

My hormones are out to get me. Nursing keeps me just as air-headed as pregnancy did. I don't even remember how I planned on finishing this post...

Here's to surrendering to my brainlessness. Don't take it personally if I forget your name when I see you next...

Growing Up

I'm doing it. Growing up I mean.

In a moment of true honesty, I'm going to admit that I am constantly comparing myself to people younger...whether on accident or on purpose. I'm convincing myself that it's a perfectly normal thing to do in your late twenties.

During the spring, while pregnant with Judah, I went and got dinner at this great little coffee shop in downtown Palatine called Uptown Cafe. I frequent the shop, so I knew the girl who worked behind the counter. We started having a conversation about pregnancy and babies (because those are the only conversations people ever have with you when you're 7+ months pregnant). She was telling me how she knows so many people who are having babies now. I agreed and said "I think it's just what happens at our age!"...the lull in our conversation provoked me to ask how old she was. She was 18! A whopping ten years older than her and here I am assuming we're the same.

Our self perceptions become interesting when we get older. We always see ourselves as the twenty somethings thrusted into the world to become adults. But while our bodies certainly age regardless...sometimes I think it's hard to allow your mind to move forward too. I'm noticing more and more that I am growing up...I am letting go of that 21 year old Lindsey who knew everything and was considerably skinnier. I'm in love with the idea that my life experiences are aging me...maturing me. I feel wiser, smarter in the decisions I make. I feel myself thinking before I speak (something I often struggle with!). I'm slowing down...being more patient, kinder, considerate. I'm growing closer to God...my walk with him, my spiritual life.

If you are a regular here on my blog, by now you might think I'm crazy. Every other post seems to be about my age. One day it's a crisis, the next it's an

epiphany. But that's what we do when we learn...when we grow up. All life's uncertainty keeps us on my toes. Even so...within that uncertainty, I'm resting on all I've made certain in my life.

Here's to growing up...

Waiting: a candid post

Today I am 39 weeks and one day pregnant...and I feel 39 weeks and one day pregnant. This morning I had a handful of real contractions...I didn't want them to stop, but alas, they did. I don't think there is anything more defeating. So I decided to try to take a walk with liv, hoping gravity would be on my side and decide to start up those contractions again. My plans were sidetracked as I opened my front door to a total downpour. I grabbed the stack of library books and movies to return and decided a trip to the library might take my mind off things. Liv fell asleep in the car, it's still raining...and now I'm home, in my car, in our parking spot, waiting for the rain to let up and letting liv get a little snooze in (since I can't carry her into the house anyway).

If there was a bench outside, I'd probably be sitting in the rain. I'm feeling a bit emotional, the rain is fitting. And maybe I'd feel something different besides being trapped in this very pregnant misery.

The waiting is definitely worse this time. Sure, I was anxious and uncomfortable with Alivia...but there is an element of the unknown during your first pregnancy, that sort of keeps your waiting tamed. Now that I know what I need to do...and what is at the end of this road...the waiting is dreadful. I wish my water would just break....that way I'd know it was time...instead of timing contractions and praying they don't go away. Can I pray for my water to break? Does God answer that kind of prayer?

Sometimes I think that all my complaining and anxiety is the reason I'm not going into labor. As though God is teaching me a golden lesson in patience and perseverance...waiting for me to chill out, turn to him for strength, be more thankful for my current state than miserable, be anxious for nothing...He knows me well enough to know all of this would be a major uphill battle. It's in my nature to complain when in the kind of position I'm in...and if you know me at all, you know I'm always anxious for the next thing...no matter what it is. Maybe today I'll work on figuring out how to surrender when all I really want to do is fight.

Here's hoping and praying my next blog post will be loaded with pictures of my new precious baby boy.