bliss...

On Sunday, I celebrated my 27th birthday. In a past post, I discussed a bit of anxiety I was having over becoming a 27 year old.

The update:

I never thought it would feel this good

Its as though overnight, I became an adult. I became sure of myself...sure of the future, no matter how uncertain. I'm happy, optimistic...and that post seems silly in retrospect. 27 seems to have turned over a new leaf for me. I'm making decisions...decisions about what kind of wife I will be, what kind of mother I will be. I'm making decisions about what I do with my time, how I take care of myself. I'm making decisions to be grateful, to be still, to listen. I'm making decisions about being a Godly woman, about surrendering. I'm prioritizing.

I have a great peace, as though someone cut the strings of my past and gave me a blank book to start writing in. As cheesy as it sounds, there is no better way of describing it. Its bliss.

change of scenery

Not only have a changed things up with my blog, but there may be a change in scenery in our life too. Tonight, we put in an offer on a home. Its location in the Chicagoland area is perfect...within walking distance from a downtown area, the metra and an amazing park. Its a small three bedroom with so much potential, we can't lose.

I'm not going to say much more about it until things progress a little farther. For those of you who pray, please pray for us and this home that may potentially be ours. ITS VERY EXCITING...but extremely stressful all the same :)

kill your television

Yesterday, Jon put away our television.

We've made this decision for a variety of reasons, most importantly that its been interfering with our time together. How easy it is to put on the TV when you are bored...nothing seems better than to sit and be brainless for a few hours. But in the midst of the simple act, things in our home have been sacrificed. When Alivia plays in the living room, she'll stop any time the TV is on, regardless of what is on, and watch. It is a constant disturbance of her playtime...something I dread will cause her to become one of those LAZY kids.

Then there are our beloved weekday evenings together. We don't have many in the Lindstrom home...and every single night we spend our time staring at the TV, making little interaction with one another that is at all meaningful, when really, we would both prefer something meaningful. We eat dinner in front of the TV, we spend all free time in front of the TV...it is ruining our home.

Both Jon and I dream of a life full of books, magazines, articles, long conversations, walks every evening, finding events in the area to do together, visits to Chicago, using our time to honor God...all these things taking the place of brainless activity.

I have a dear college friend named Leanne. I absolutely adore her blog and the way she lives her life. She is so creative, always thinking up something new, taking day trips I'd never even think of and just living. Her blog is full of her adventures and ventures and I always look forward to reading it with hopes that it will inspire me to do the same. Finally, without mindless distraction eating away every free moment of my life...I hope to do much of what she does with her days :)

I have no doubt this change will take some effort. I'm already having a little withdrawal...but I know its for the good. I know this will be one less thing keeping me from living my life, from living our life. Most importantly, I have faith that this act will improve our marriage, improve us as parents, improve our quality of life and bring us closer to the truth of God's purpose for us here. I'm sincerely looking forward to it.

missing my friends...

College was one of the best times in my life. I have the best memories, and I definitely met the BEST friends. Now we are all scattered across these great states, and well I'm blessed to have a few still close by...there are many I wish lived closer.

What would life be like if we all still lived together :)

I thought this happens when you turn thirty...

In less than a month, I will be turning 27 years old. I know this doesn't seem like a great feat for anyone older then me. I know I have little to complain about, I'm still in my twenties, some would say I have it made.

But I'm having a bit of crisis. I feel like 27 is purgatory. 27 is totally foreign ground. I feel a little lost...to be perfectly honest. Am I still young? Am I an adult? What am I anyway? Maybe my quarter life crisis came 2 years late. Something in me feels out of control. Lost identity maybe, trying desperately to be an adult and gain control. Life for me began early. I was married at 22 and had my first beautiful baby at 24. I wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes I wonder if the last 6 years of my life have been so full...that I've lost track of time. Suddenly I'm 27 years old, and its hitting me like a bat to the face. Newsflash Lindsey, you aren't 22 any more.

Its not about money.

Its not about work.

Its not about my relationships.

Its not about what I'm doing with my life.

Its not about the grass being greener on the other side.

Its just uncertain. Its just so foreign. Who the heck am I? Who have I become in the last 6 years? Am I where I thought I would be? 7 years ago, where did I think I'd be?

The other day I was telling my mom a story about the time I was hanging out with a friend of mine. She is 23 and we were serving in our church's singles ministry. We felt a bit out of place, both being married mothers. Telling my mom this, I mentioned how we felt out of place being married mothers, but sort of like we belonged because we were both in our early twenties. I stopped myself mid-sentence and realized that I'm not in my early twenties anymore. I am 2 years into my late twenties.

I'm having trouble accepting that I'm in my late twenties...officially. How funny that we spend are entire youth wishing we were older than we are, only to be shocked by adulthood when we officially get there. In elementary school, you can't wait to be in 6th grade. In junior high, 8th grade is always better than 7th. In high school, you are nothing until you're a senior. In college, graduation is when life starts.

Then you graduate and wonder what's next...desperately hoping the world sees you as an adult. For me, I haven't felt like an adult over the last 5 years. I've felt like a kid playing dress up...despite being a married woman, despite becoming a mother. And on the eve of my 27th year, I'm taking the dress ups off and realizing that I'm here. I'm an adult. I am a grown woman. Where was I when that happened?

So I'm left with a choice. I can fight my 27th year. I can stay in purgatory, always wondering, always waiting for what's next. Or I can embrace number 27...the first year I actually feel like an adult. I just need to figure out what that looks like.

Anyone else ever have a 27th-year-crisis?

(photo by my dear friend Stephen Mangeri. Talented, isn't he?)

I know...I know

It's been ages since I've blogged. I know, I know. But over the past few months I've learned a lot about being a mom...becoming a mom, despite the fact that I've been one for over two years now. I'm also having a bit of an age crisis. Yeah yeah, laugh all you want...I'll only be 27 this year...but me having my age crisis in no way negates the importance of YOUR age crisis...haha.

I'm excited to write about it, now I just need to find the time to write about it. Maybe this weekend sometime.

I promise it will be soon. Until then, be well dear friends.

Its always brighter on the other side...

Its been almost a month since I miscarried.

Have you ever been in a situation where you look in the mirror at yourself, and don't even recognize the overwhelming grief you feel? The morning of, I got panicked. I looked in the mirror, sobbing, and didn't recognize myself. I had that sick to my stomach feeling...the kind that makes you want to lay in bed under the covers where no one can see you. It was a little shameful. It was a little embarassing. I even asked God out loud, "why is this happening to me?"

This lasted for two days. Two sorrowful, unfamiliar days. 

Life often happens faster then we can keep up with it. Its so easy to fall in love with the things of the world. Its so easy to find everything else more appealing than truth. Its so easy to be decieved. Before I miscarried, this was me. I was overwhelmed with the wrong kind of happiness. The Holy Spirit would tap me on the shoulder and I wouldn't turn around. 

I believe God allowed this miscarriage to occur, merely to remind me how desperately I need him in my life. Those two sorrowful days were unescapable. The only time I could feel was when I cried out to the Lord. The only time I felt comfort was in the arms of my Savior. Do you ever have those moments in life when you are so broken, that thinking about our sweet Jesus and his PERFECT love just breaks you down and brings you to tears? It was as if I couldn't define what I felt enough to explain it to any human...and with Him, I didn't need to. 

I believe God allowed this miscarriage, to teach me all about his grace...his sufficiency...his compassion. A wakeup call, if you will. A reset button. A reminder. A memo. Although it was a painful one...somehow when I woke up the day after I had miscarried, my heart was full. Overflowing with the PRESENCE of the Lord. Have you ever felt that? 

I look back...almost a month later...and I feel blessed to have experienced what I did. It was a necessity. Absolute necessity. 

Please don't read this as though I have no compassion for those who have once experienced what I have. Don't read this as though I believe every woman should view a miscarriage as a blessing. There is no doubt that a miscarriage is a horrible, painful, sorrowful experience...but this time...for me...in my life...God took the dark and made it light.