my not-so-private vote

I began this election year making my choice for president very obvious. I debated for him, I fought for him, and then I realized how much I hated arguing with friends and loved ones about an opinion we are all entitled to. 

After a few months of this, I decided to keep my vote private. There were a few who knew, many who know me well enough to figure it out, but for the most part...many didn't know, and wouldn't know until I decided to share. I voted last week, after doing my homework. I looked at every issue, watched every debate, listened to many opposing opinions...heck, I even took more then second look at the other candidate. I dug deep inside of myself and thought about what was important to me...what was important for my family...for our country. 

So today...ELECTION DAY 2008...I decided to come out with it. I've chosen Barack Obama for President of the United States. What I still intend to keep private are the reasons for my vote, but I will say this...I think it takes realizing that one human being can't save this fallen world...one human being can't bring world peace...one human being can't save the human race from ruining ourselves. But what one human being can do is make a difference, if even a small one...perhaps not in every issue I believe in, but then again, I don't believe its the president's responsibility to do much of what our community thinks he should.  

I would be naive to vote with the expectation that whoever does become president will magically make everything right. But I do believe in taking a risk...taking a chance for change...and I believe that while McCain might be right for some, Obama is right for me. Right for me, right now. 

While I respect your opinions, I'd rather not hear what you think about my vote. If you'd like to share yours, please feel free. I'm keeping the peace this election year...something I'm not normally accustomed to. 

With all of this said...no matter who you choose, for whatever reasons you might choose...vote. Vote for whomever you like...but vote.

happy election day.

Remembering my little one in her little days

I'm happy to announce that our little Alivia is much healthier then my last post. This morning I woke up to her little voice calling out "Mama?!". I walked into her bedroom to find her in nothing but her teeny tiny onsie...fleece pajamas on the floor of her bedroom, along with all of her bedtime stuffed animals and blankets. 

Her poor little piggies were so cold. 

The other day while rocking Alivia to sleep, everything came rushing back to me. When you have a baby for the first time, or any time I imagine, its very easy to feel everything. You feel what its like to have created a little human being, you learn to love her, feel her, know her. There are so many experiences that come with having a baby...and if you ask any mother, she will be able to look back and feel all 2 million feelings she felt when her baby was first born. However, I'm finding that as my sweet Alivia grows and grows, as our lives become more cluttered, its so easy to forget. So as I held my sweet baby in my arms, rocking her to sleep as she wrapped her tiny arms around me, her head on my chest listening to my heartbeat, it all came back to me. The first time I held her...the first time I smelled her...the first time I fell in love with her...and as I held her there, I closed my eyes and remembered holding my tiny baby for the first time. I remember being scared, being sad, being overwhelmed with a joy I've never experienced until now...and as I opened my eyes and looked down at her, I had to thank God for this precious little person he gave me. This little person who has become her own in 18 short months. 

My very sick baby...

On Sunday, Alivia caught a bad cold. Lots and lots of boogers...and just yesterday, she developed a bad cough. Last night she woke up on more then one occasion with a whiny cry, obviously telling us that she isn't feeling well.

When she woke up this morning, she had a HORRIBLE wheezing in her lungs...almost as if she was out of breath from running. When things like this happen in a baby so young, it can be a dangerous thing. A cold in a baby can go south rather quickly, and wheezing is usually a sign of it doing just that. I called her pediatrician and the nurse recommended we come in right away. 

20 minutes later, we're at the doctors office. Its totally obvious to me that Alivia remembered EXACTLY where she was...after 4 shots last week, who would forget? The doctor took a look at her and recommended a nebulizer. A nebulizer is a little mask that goes over your nose and mouth (like an oxygen mask) and releases a vapor of water and medicine that you breath in. Sounds pretty simple, right? Well not for an 18 month old. I've never experienced such a battle trying to keep a mask on a baby. I had to sit Alivia on my lap, hold down both of her arms, while holding the mask on her face. Lets just say the struggle was so intense, by the end of the 10 minutes, Alivia was soaked in sweat and boogers...and so was I. She absolutely hated it.

Once we finished the nebulizer, the doctor came in...he immediately heard improvements and recommended we take a nebulizer home to use for a few days....every 4-6 hours :( I was dreading it...I was hoping the first time was the last time. 

Thankfully, the doctor's office was completely out of take home nebulizers. So, in its place, our doctor wrote us a prescription for an inhaler. For babies, there is a tube with a mask on the end that the inhaler gets pumped into. The prescription was for both the tube/mask and the inhaler. My doctor warned me it would be a bit expensive, but told me it would be something I could use and keep forever. He also mentioned it would come in very handy for future colds and coughs. Little did I know, I'd be $85 in the hole by the end of it all. 

So then, my poor little baby is so sick that she will have to use an inhaler for the next 4 days...every 4-6 hours. Granted, I think she'll take to the inhaler much better then she did to the nebulizer...but that doesn't make the entire thing any better. There isn't anything worse then having a sick baby. 

But I have to admit, it is nice to know that I have something in my possession that will help her feel better. Oh my poor baby :(

Busy Day, Growing Baby

I cut all my hair off :) Okay, not all of it...but it is rather short. I wanted something different...something out of the way but it had to be funky. My one haircut "MUST!" is that it isn't a mom haircut. I suppose that's a matter of opinion, but I'm happy with it. 

I took Alivia to Gymboree today for a class. She had so much fun climbing, jumping and playing with all of the toys. Too bad the place is so freaking expensive. $80 a month for 45 minutes once a week sounds like a rip off if you ask me...but I decided to enroll her for a month just until the park district classes start up again. Thankfully the park district offers very similar classes for a fraction of the price. Point being, Alivia needs a outlet to get that pent up energy released. Our tiny home just doesn't have enough space to run around. 

We also had a doctor's appointment today. Alivia is in the 80th percentile for height (not too surprising with a mommy who is 5'8 and a daddy who is 6'4!) and the 75th percentile for weight. The weight thing was a bit of a shocker since Livie has always been somewhat of a skinny minny, but my doc said it was a welcome surprise. To Alivia's and my dismay, 4 shots were required at this appointment. My doctor reassured me that many vaccinations at the same time would do no harm...but that doesn't make it any less antagonizing. I have to hold her in my arms, keeping her arms still and to her side as they shoot her...a nurse on either side shooting two shots simultaneously. 5 seconds later, they repeat themselves.

Poor Livie screamed bloody murder. As soon as we got home, I put her down for a nap. Hopefully she'll sleep the rest of the day away. I'm glad that's over!

Now I will enjoy the time to myself...a little coffee...a little blogging...a little Vogue (by the way, don't you just love when you are flipping through a fashion magazine and you see something you own??)...waiting for my dear husband to come home. He has been working so hard on about a million unrealistic deadlines. I've never been so anxious for it all to be over. On one hand we should be grateful that he has so much work...but on the other hand, our family time is what's sacrificed for it. Alivia and I will support you until the end my love :)

I'm counting down the days until our vacation to California...December 22nd through January 2nd...nothing but free time and a chance to relax. Both Jon and I need it desperately. 

A lifetime of worry

There was a time in my pregnancy when I began worrying about Alivia. I wasn't worried about my pregnancy or labor and delivery...I was worried about Alivia's life. Worried about her experiences and how I would keep her from the evils of the world. 

The worry overwhelmed me. 

When I told my mom about it, I asked her if it ever gets better. I have three siblings; two older sisters and a younger brother. She told me that every night she lays in bed and goes through each one of her children, thinking about all the things she's worried about. Her youngest child is 24 years old. At that point, I realized that there wouldn't be a day in Alivia's life when I wouldn't be worried to a degree. As a baby, I'd worry about what she'd eat, when she'd sleep, when and if she'd wake up in the morning. As a toddler I worry that she'll fall, that someone will take her from me, that she will be exposed to the things of the world that will effect her negatively. Everyday there is a worry I concern myself with. Some days are less worry-full then others, but there is always something. 

With everything that is happening in the world right now...the war...the economy...the wastefulness...what mother wouldn't worry about the future of their child? The idea of my sweet baby growing up in a world so devouring terrifies me. I don't care about what happens to me...but I will do everything in my power and ability to protect my child. At church this morning, I learned how not to be deceived. We are in the last hour...the last terrifying, deceiving hour. And in the midst of the worry, I need not. I learned that I do my baby a disservice by not entrusting everything about her into my Lord's over capable hands. If I hand Alivia over to my savior, I protect her from all those things I spend so much time worrying about. And when I rest in Him...when I find the peace that comes with worshipping this King...those worries disappear. 

I could fall apart thinking about the world my daughter is growing up in. Or I can praise the Lord that my heart knows the truth...and that Jon and I have been given the opportunity to share the truth with Alivia...and with that truth, she can venture into a world that hates it and become a light in the darkest of dark. 

I will not be deceived...because I know the Gospel.

I will not be deceived...because I can abide in Eternal Life.

I will not be deceived...because I have the Holy Spirit to help me abide.

Oh Fall...I've missed you.

I love summer. 

I love wearing dresses and flip flops, having that sunkissed glow, going to the pool, enjoying the outside on a beautiful warm day. I love the way the world relaxes despite all the happenings around it. 

But the truth is that by August, I've had my fill. Once the kids go back to school, I'm ready for something new. Living in the midwest my entire life, I believe my clock is set to the seasons. I can't truly restart until there is a shift of winds. 

Fall has my heart :) 

I've become increasingly revived since Fall hit the midwest...

I want to decorate. I want to sit outside in my coziest sweater with a good book and a cup of coffee. I want to walk down the sidewalk in my boots and hear the leaves crunch under them. I want to smell the cold. I want to visit every pumpkin farm within a 30 mile radius and enjoy everything it has to offer. I want a red nose and to see my breath appear in the air. I want to see the leaves turn. 

I realize with the beginning of a new season, I have opportunities . I feel like I have the opportunity to redecorate my house...organize my cabinets and closets...clean every square inch so my home can be as new as the season. I feel like its time for new hobbies, time to finally wipe the dust off my sewing machine and start doing what I love. Its time to write and finally consider becoming more serious about what I can do with it. I feel like its time to teach Alivia new things...time to let her explore and learn to love all the things I love about fall.  I feel like its time to invest in my husband, time to remind ourselves of all the reasons we fell in love in the first place. 

Fall is reviving me. Restarting me. I absolutely love it. 

Oh Fall...I've missed you.

Let the discipline begin...

Today I spanked Alivia. 

We were home after a long afternoon out running errands. She was her beautiful happy little self, giggling at everything and being as cute as can be. So I decided to lay down on the couch for awhile. Alivia starting bringing me all her books and piling them right next to my head. One at a time she'd bring one over and add it to her ever-growing pile of hard covered books. 

Then she decides it would be funny to throw them. She picks up one hard covered book at a time and chucks it at my head. She does it once, I grab her hand and tell her not to throw books. She giggles, thinking of course that its a joke. She does it again, and again I correct her. Still somehow, this is hilarious. In no way am I being funny...the tone of my voice was raised, I looked her sternly in the face and corrected her. None of this is working and she continues to throw the books at me. 

It was then that I took her arm, turned her around and gave her two slaps on the toosh. Of course, they weren't out of anger and they weren't hard enough to physically hurt her in any way...but I'll tell you the look on her face broke my heart. She breaks out into tears, horrified that what she thought was a funny game ended up not being so funny. Immediately the guilt overwhelmed me, I took her in my arms, told her I loved her and that we don't throw books. I cuddled her in my arms until she stopped crying, she got down and resumed playing as though none of it ever happened. 10 seconds later she is giggling again and having a fun time...sans book throwing.

I have NEVER felt so guilty in my life.

I called my dad and told him about my experience. My parent's always disciplined. I personally preferred getting spanked by my dad, because he never hit nearly as hard as my mom...haha. I told him I had to spank Alivia for the first time...told him why...and he reminded me that what I did was right. He said, "the hard part Linds, is when they get too old to spank and talk back to you...then you have no idea how to discipline them." 

When parent's say their job is tough, I don't think they were talking about the "to do list". Parenting is the hardest job in the universe because of all that is emotionally attached. Sure, the "to do list" is tough too...but after awhile it becomes second nature. What's tough is when you get use to things and all of a sudden everything changes. What's tough is when your baby turns into a toddler and discipline suddenly needs to be enforced. 

Alivia is a piece of my heart. She is a part of me...even out of the womb she is so clearly attached to every heart string. Everything she does...every move she makes...with or without me...effects me. Hours later and Alivia has most definitely forgotten about her first official spanking...and I'm still bogged by the guilt. 

Hardest job in the universe? I'm learning that's the understatement of the century.