Today I am 39 weeks and one day pregnant...and I feel 39 weeks and one day pregnant. This morning I had a handful of real contractions...I didn't want them to stop, but alas, they did. I don't think there is anything more defeating. So I decided to try to take a walk with liv, hoping gravity would be on my side and decide to start up those contractions again. My plans were sidetracked as I opened my front door to a total downpour. I grabbed the stack of library books and movies to return and decided a trip to the library might take my mind off things. Liv fell asleep in the car, it's still raining...and now I'm home, in my car, in our parking spot, waiting for the rain to let up and letting liv get a little snooze in (since I can't carry her into the house anyway).
If there was a bench outside, I'd probably be sitting in the rain. I'm feeling a bit emotional, the rain is fitting. And maybe I'd feel something different besides being trapped in this very pregnant misery.
The waiting is definitely worse this time. Sure, I was anxious and uncomfortable with Alivia...but there is an element of the unknown during your first pregnancy, that sort of keeps your waiting tamed. Now that I know what I need to do...and what is at the end of this road...the waiting is dreadful. I wish my water would just break....that way I'd know it was time...instead of timing contractions and praying they don't go away. Can I pray for my water to break? Does God answer that kind of prayer?
Sometimes I think that all my complaining and anxiety is the reason I'm not going into labor. As though God is teaching me a golden lesson in patience and perseverance...waiting for me to chill out, turn to him for strength, be more thankful for my current state than miserable, be anxious for nothing...He knows me well enough to know all of this would be a major uphill battle. It's in my nature to complain when in the kind of position I'm in...and if you know me at all, you know I'm always anxious for the next thing...no matter what it is. Maybe today I'll work on figuring out how to surrender when all I really want to do is fight.
Here's hoping and praying my next blog post will be loaded with pictures of my new precious baby boy.
