A house full of toys

Alivia will be 17 months old on September 14th. 

I'm learning lately that this never gets easier. I'm not talking about caring and tending to a child. Its hard work, yes...but when you do it every day all day, it becomes part of the natural process. 

Watching Alivia grow never gets easier.

Watching Alivia become more independent of me never gets easier.

Watching Alivia become this little person all her own never gets easier. 

After I had Alivia, I dealt with some pretty low baby blues. For 9 months I carried her in my body...I gave her nourishment, I developed her brain, her bones, her heart, her lungs. God and I spent 9 months knitting this beautiful baby together. I could feel her...I knew her kicks, her frequent hiccups, her every move. We had been in very close company for 9 full months. 

My blues began with feeling like my very best little friend was taken out of me. While there was great joy in having her here, there was a saddness in knowing that she wasn't as close to me as I had always known her to be. She could be held by another, new people had the opportunity to get to know her kicks and hiccups...I felt like I had lost that closeness we had since day one. 

Oddly enough, that grief is always there...even without the baby blues.  Perhaps my blues took one of the many emotions I felt and heightened it to an intense degree. While there is joy in most everything Alivia does in her little life...every step taken, every word learned, every game played...there is grief that as she grows, she becomes more and more independent of me. This little girl who once lived inside of me could now live without me. 

Yet in a house full of toys, all Alivia wants is to be as close to her mommy as possible. 

Perhaps while I grieve her independence from me, she does to. Perhaps this closeness that I consider lost just evolves into a new closeness...a deeper and more meaningful closeness. Perhaps instead of grieving her independence...I should take joy in knowing that this independence means a new phase of growth for Alivia...and with this new phase of growth, comes a new piece to our ever developing mother-daughter relationship.

being grateful

Recently a dear friend posted this link on her blog. Its to another blog written by a man with an AMAZING story. I find it fitting to post on my blog. Take a moment to read this...

be well, 

lindsey

As a parent, your children become life! Alivia is our beautiful little creation and there is nothing more gratifing to Jon and I then to pour our lives into her. 

However, its important not to forget yourself. Every morning I wake up to Alivia calling out to me to get her from her crib. We get ready for day, have breakfast, play play play, eat lunch, play a little more, nap, play some more, eat dinner, play more and go to bed. This is our typical day at home. After I got settled into motherhood, I decided that it was important not to lose myself to motherhood, but rather...incorporate motherhood into who I already was. I knew that no matter what, I could love the things I loved and do the things I did while still being and becoming a mom. This meant that no matter what, Alivia would be doing life with us. She'd get use to taking road trips, going shopping, being social and adjusting to a irregular schedule. Thankfully, all adjustments have been effortless. 

But I'm realizing more and more that while I'm maintaining me and becoming a mother more and more each day, I most definitely don't allow myself to grow as an individual. My interests are the same, my hobbies are the same, my life is the same...and I wonder if perhaps the "becoming mom" part of my life has slowed down the rest of me. What's funny is that I haven't even been aware of it...and the thought of change seems impossible, but exciting...and new. I want to start something different. I want to explore the new routes of this new life. The past 16 months I've been strictly mom...now I think I'm ready to maintain mom...and try something new. Not only will I become a better woman, but I believe I will become a better mother.

What better way to teach my daughter to become a strong independent woman, then to work on becoming one myself?

A Moment of Honesty...

Alivia will be 16 months old on August 14th. 

I always thought that having all my children quickly one after another was the best option. I was 24 when Alivia was born...and the idea of doing all of the "dirty work" that comes with a newborn and being done with it before I turned 30, seemed smart. But when Alivia turned one, I realized that taking the time to enjoy Alivia...and not rushing into having another baby, was right for us. I love spending my days with her. I love dedicating all of me to her...watching her grow...every single moment. This gets hard to do when you are tending to a newborn 24/7. Opportunities to spend one on one time with your older child don't happen nearly as often. So, Jon and I decided to wait. Ideally, I'd like Alivia to be 3 years old before we add a new baby to our family. 

But these days, 5 of my friends are pregnant. My best friend Liz is pregnant, and I'm blessed to have her sharing her journey with me. Every day that she writes me with news of how she's feeling and changing has me reminiscing about the days when I was pregnant. I loved being pregnant...I loved every single moment of it, yes even the crappy first trimester. And believe it or not, all this pregnancy around me has me wondering if I could handle another baby right now...and if I'd be willing to sacrifice all that I decided to wait for. Of course, Jon is always up for the idea...if it were entirely up to him, we'd have a litter by now.  

The truth is that no matter what, if we did get pregnant right now, it would be a great blessing we would enjoy as much as we did Alivia. But the question is...should we try to get pregnant right now? Will I ever really feel "ready" for another baby? The good Lord knows I'm prepared...I've got the tools, I've got the experience and I most definitely have all the support anyone could ever need...but am I ready? Are we ready? Or is that a stupid question?

Impossibility

Today at work I gave Jon a call to see how everything was going at home with Alivia. Even though he is over-qualified to take care of his baby girl, as her mommy I feel it necessary to check in on her now and then. When I called, we talked a bit and Jon asked me what time we'd be going to church in the morning. I told him 9a, as we usually do. We are meeting some friends there, and Jon made a funny comment about how they probably hate that we're meeting at the 9a service. 

I giggled to myself and reminded Jon that before April 14th, 2007...waking up for 9a church seemed like an impossibility. 

When you become a parent, you barely have time to reminisce on your pre-baby days. A lot of people wouldn't dare...God forbid we remind ourselves of how easy EVERYTHING once was. It is true that once a baby joins your family, everything...and I mean everything...changes. Most things go from easy to more complicated. Showers need to be planned ahead of time. Meals dictate your day and if you let them, naps can too. Life changes with a child. Who knew something so small could do something so HUGE. Ahhh, the days when we could see a movie on a whim are a distant memory. 

Oddly enough, when I do take time to think of our pre-baby days in relation to our Alivia days...I wouldn't have our life any other way. The thought of life without my baby girl takes my breath away. I would be pleased to spend every day of the rest of my life working my fingers to the bone for my beautiful little girl. I'll happily trade in my 11a Saturday morning sleep ins, for my 7a Alivia wake up call. I'll gladly give up seeing a movie on a whim for evenings reading stories and stacking blocks. I will most certainly exchange 9a Oprah for 9a Sesame Street. 

There is no way to predict what your life will become when you have a child. Every set of parents have their own way, but it is most certainly a different one. In a lot of ways, I like to think Alivia gave us a second chance. An opportunity to reset our life...our plans. And in more ways then one, she has become a breath of fresh air to our life. 

Hello friends,

I once had a blog on Xanga about motherhood. In the past week or so, I've decided to copy all my previous blogs to a document for safe keeping and begin something brand new. I wrote about motherhood mostly, and I still intend to...but I like this blog site significantly more. 

Check in now and then as I will blog as often as I am able.

Be Well, 

Lindsey